Just thinking…perhaps, a little too much.
I’ve recently discovered that i don’t know how to “date” or go about starting a real relationship with someone. I mean I’ve only ever had one boyfriend and he was a terrible person to be in a relationship with….How long does one wait until they should expect to be “official”? What should I expect from a good boyfriend? How do I even go about being in a good relationship with someone who’s not long distance? I don’t know any of these things. It makes me feel like such a noob; a needy, unknowledgable, over-thinking noob. I don’t want to think about these things but I can’t help it. It doesn’t help that I feel like his being in a frat affects things. I know it shouldn’t matter and he’s still like a normal guy and stuff but I guess I just never pictured myself being with a guy involved in greek life. The stories he tells me don’t exactly help my thoughts as well. If I let him in, how do I know he won’t just completely obliterate what’s left of my heart from my previous relationship? The second I let him in, all could make a complete 180 in one night. The stories always the same.He gets too drunk and doesn’t even remember hooking up with a girl. Someone has to tell him it happened. How can I risk that? I have no reason to believe he would ever intentionally hurt me. He’s been so good to me so far….He seems to really care about me. I just have to mention a craving once and the next second, we’re in the car, driving to Taco Bell. He really is so super sweet. I don’t know why my mind has to think about things so much….Oh and the crying….I HATE that I can’t handle emotions. The second I start to care for someone, I can’t help but get overwhelmed by feelings, which, of course, causes me to cry for no apparent reason. Makes me feel like such a needy bitch. I don’t mean it though…I just hate not knowing where this is heading. And the unknowing of things scare me.
Even worse than thinking too much about him, let’s call him Fish (he likes fishies….I know I’m just so clever lol), I often catch myself thinking about my ex. Do I still have feelings for him? If I was so wrong about him, how can I know I’m right about Fish? Can my judgement be trusted? Well, I’m 99% certain the first isn’t true. I barely think about him. He’s merely a memory now….Well at least when he’s not calling me trying to become “friends” again. Part of me wants to run away from the good thing I have with Fish though. It’s stupid and I would never do it but sometimes, I get the idea of running back to Theo. While things sucked with him, at least it’s familiar. The comfort of him just appeals still, unfortunately. And at least I know how things will turn out. Fucked up as it is, this is how my mind works. I think I got it from my Momma -___- Seeing her go through multiple shitty relationships has made me dysfunctional in this aspect.
It’s sad because I can actually picture my future not including a man more than I can picturing it including one. Ideally, I wouldn’t want that obviously but realistically, that’s all I know. I know I’m young and I have time to figure guys out but I know myself, I can gauge things pretty well based off my life thus far and there is a high possibility that I will end up without a husband, raising a child on my own, and being perfectly fine that way.
Sorry, I deviated from my originally ranting lol. I really like Fish. I just hope he doesn’t break me. But I suppose that’s not fair either. Okay, I’m done. I don’t want to think about things like that anymore, not until he gives me a reason to. It wouldn’t be fair otherwise. I shall just let things happen without over analyzing everything. Okay. Done. Good night.
